How do we heal?
I have taken countless psychology courses and learned about grief and depression on multiple occasions. Yet when actually faced with the situation, none of this information helps. I can’t seem to figure out how to heal myself. Every time a thought about my sister arises it cuts me so deep I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. It physically hurts me. It seems the more time that passes, the harder it is to accept. Maybe because the more real everything becomes.
The pain of her passing feels like a knife is lodged in my chest. If I distract myself well enough, I hardly notice the knife in me. But then at times I am reminded of her, or someone brings up siblings and suddenly that knife becomes so apparent it feels like someone is slowly, and maliciously twisting it. It’s such a painfully uncomfortable feeling I am never courageous enough to confront it, I just try desperately to cling to the thought of anything else, only continuing the cycle of distraction.
I realize I will never heal if the knife is stuck in me forever. I just can’t find ways to pull it out, little by little so the real healing can begin to take place.
How do I start? How do I begin to reconstruct my life again without my sister?
How can I remove the mound of sadness within me little by little rather than pushing it down further and further?