Kimberly Hetherington

I’ve recently started a module on counselling theories and have been loving the material. An idea that intrigued me is a concept by Alfred Adler. He spoke about how all human relationships are bidirectional.

We all know that parents shape their children. We’ve all heard that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. But the reverse is also true. Children change their parents. You change your friends. We are constantly influencing and being influenced, regulating and being regulated. Usually it happens without us even noticing.

Maya Angelou spoke about how charity is more than material giving. She suggested that even when we have nothing physical to give, a smile itself is a gift. It’s a bit cliche, but I find it to be true. A smile communicates so much. With just a smile we say we offer warmth to someone. We acknowledge them. Sometimes it’s these small acts of kindness that make people believe in goodness again.

This connects to another concept of Adler. He believed that all of us have one basic desire and goal: to belong and to feel significant. He spoke about the importance of social interest and our innate desire to belong, contribute, and feel part of the “human community” (I love the image that concept generates).

This connects to a very practical piece of wisdom often shared in therapy: when you feel depressed or anxious, do something kind for someone else. This is not about ignoring your pain or gaslighting yourself. Instead it’s about getting out of a closed internal loop. Sometimes we can be hyper focused on our problems and the details of our lives we forget other people have them too. Helping someone else interrupts rumination, activates empathy, and reminds us that we have value beyond our suffering.

There is something profoundly meaningful about being useful to another human being. When we offer kindness, attention, or care, we step outside the narrow confines of our own distress. We snap out of our complex inner worlds and breath in the fresh air, so to speak. Most of all though, we remember that we matter.

So when (or if) life feels heavy, remember this: we are all a part of the human community. Smile at someone. Send a message. Hold a door open for a stranger. Offer encouragement. Listen.

What you give does not disappear. It circulates. And often finds it’ll find it’s way back to you.