Before my second daughter was born it was easier to identity as a person outside of being a mother. I could be me, in almost equal parts as I was “mum”. But now, with two young children, there is rarely any room for me. I’m often overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood. It feels like it sucks me in swallows me whole. The fact that I’ve created two small human beings still astounds me. There are moments when they both look at me with their big blue eyes and the realisation hits me like an avalanche. Woah. I’m their mother. It’s like realising you’re the sun to planet earth. I’m the one responsible for their health, emotional wellbeing, survival. Everything. How can I not let this role entirely consume me?
It’s not the million diaper changes and nightly wake-ups that I find the hardest (though that is still very, very hard). It’s the relentless, ‘day in and day out’ of it. It feels like a vortex that pulls you in and demands everything you’ve got. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes I forget this. I wake up with a random spike of energy after my coffee and tackle the morning as a 100 meter sprint only to realise all my energy is burnt out and it’s only 9:17am. There are days, and many moments, I just want a break. A sick day. An entire day to sit in front of the tv and be a passive recipient to something. Or a day for output, creativity, going on a long walk, indulging in my own inner world, remembering I still have one. Then I have these random magical moments, like right now, when both kids are napping at the same time and I suddenly have that break I’ve been craving. The freedom is dizzying. Where do I start? What do I do? How can I stuff in something relaxing, creative, and educational while also doing exercise and having my lunch during this ‘break’?
It’s understandable why mothers become so engulfed by being a caregiver that they cannot see themselves beyond that anymore. Being ‘mum’ is their identity and they wear it proudly. Or maybe they are just too tired to fight against that vortex and maintain their identity outside of it. It’s a tricky thing being a mum in today’s age. There are expectations that we can do it all and be it all. And if we can do it all and be it all, then why aren’t we? I know the dangers of being 100% mother (or being 100% of any role, really). One day our kids will grow up and have their own lives. It’s important to hold onto something for ourselves. But sometimes I find resisting the vortex of motherhood is harder than just allowing myself to surrender to it. There are times when it’s ok to allow myself to be pulled in – to be 100% mum – and there are other times when it’s important for me to emerge. I haven’t worked out the right balance yet, but I’m figuring it out as I go. At the end of the day, I have two young children and the demands of caring for them is naturally high. But as I’ve seen with my eldest daughter, these demands will ease and lessen with each passing month, sometimes even in a matter of days. It all ebbs and flows until one day they are old enough to get out of the house without me having to pack a massive diaper bag with various interesting and nutritional snacks only to immediately turn around in time for their afternoon nap. (Yes I’m that parent, the nap-trapped one.)
I know that this time right now is with my babies is precious. It’s a time I can already imagine looking back at photos and feeling my eyes water at their unbearable cuteness. The chubby cheeks and gummy smiles. The way my toddler mispronounces words and sings her little songs. Watching their relationship grow, day by day. If only there was a way to freeze time, to put everything on pause while I went off and did all the other things I want to do. But yet, that’s not how life works. I’ll have that time one day. I’ll fully rejoin the outside world when my kids are a bit older and don’t rely on me as much. I’ll be that older woman at the grocery store smiling kindly at the young mum with her little children, remembering those days.
For now, I’ll settle for these little breaks throughout the day that bring me back to myself. These little moments help me take a new perspective, find balance, and allow me to go back into being a mum with a battery half full. Life is short, but it is also long. There is time.
Art Therapy with Kimberly 
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