I moved back

We made it. We have officially moved to North Vancouver. *Giant sigh of relief*

We got through the major obstacle of selling everything we own just in time for our flight. The property manager waved goodbye as she pulled the door closed to lock as out. In we went into a taxi, shoving 4 suitcases, 2 car seats and 2 prams in the back. Our youngest daughter was conveniently ill. Fever and vomiting, just what you need before a 14.5 hour flight.

When we made it to the other side we piled our bags onto two trolleys and headed to the taxi area. As soon as we stepped outside we were hit with an icy breeze. We waited in line for a taxi to take us “home”. When a taxi appeared, my eldest daughter pointed to the tailpipe which was letting out a thin cloud of white smoke. A classic sign of Canadian winter. “What’s this?” she asked.

Jet-lag was unpleasant, as it always is. The lack of sleep resulted in a head cold and a persistent runny nose. And now, we’re here. At this moment right now. The part where we try to make a life for ourselves. As it turns out, building a life in a new country with two young children is not easy or quick. I spent almost a decade in Australia. I know Sydney like the back of my hand. My life there was easy and comfortable. Now nothing feels easy or comfortable. In some ways it feels a bit like reverse culture shock. I have to reintegrate into a whole new way of life. I also weirdly feel a sense of whiplash from moving here. Even though nothing about moving to Vancouver was spontaneous. It still somehow feels abrupt. I felt a tinge of sadness when I had to hand in my Australian license to get a Canadian one. I also got a new phone number. The last time I changed my number was the day I moved to Australia. My old life is still so apparent in my mind, but here I am, in this new one.

I know it takes time, but patience is not my strong suit. I’m more of a hurried, let’s-do-this-right-away type of person. I prefer doing things quickly, even immediately. Of course I know this is not good, but it’s my default setting. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t moments of doubt sneaking in. Was this right? Did we make the right decision? The weirdest part of it all is that Vancouver is my home. It’s the place I was born. It’s my roots, but not my branches so to speak. If you’ve followed me for a while you already know that I was born in Canada but I was raised in Egypt, Pakistan, Ghana, Jamaica and Ukraine. When I was growing up the idea of ‘home’ was a constantly changing place. That is except for Vancouver. That was the only home I had that never changed. It’s the place where all of my extended family live and the only constant in my life. We returned year after year, posting after posting, to visit my family. It’s always been a solid and secure place to return to from the rough seas and adventure from life abroad. I have fond memories of Vancouver. I remember the airport well; the happy greetings from my family waiting for us in the arrivals terminal. I loved the feeling of being surrounded by the love of my family after life abroad. Everyone welcomed us with open arms. There was an immediate sense of comfort, like everything in me relaxed. As I got older, memories of Vancouver felt like my own little snow globe. A magical place in the world that I could return to whenever I wanted. I told myself that one day I would live in Vancouver. But as the years went on, it never seemed like the right time. There was always more of the world I wanted to see, more experiences I wanted to have. Moving to Vancouver felt like settling. It felt like if I lived here then I’d have to trade in my love for travel and adventure, and I was never quite ready for that.

But then I became a mum. As most parents would agree, your priorities change dramatically when you have kids. I’m no longer planning exciting trips to far off destinations or spending my Sunday mornings sleeping in. For now, my life is about figuring out what to feed my toddler and how to organise my life around my youngest daughter’s naps. It’s all consuming. While there are certainly days when I am beyond exhausted by this vortex that is motherhood, I sometimes find glimmers of perspective. I know that right now my husband and I are in the middle of creating our children’s childhood. There is nowhere in the world I’d rather do this difficult and rewarding work than here in Vancouver, with my own family beside me. At least for now. My husband also has his side of the family, waiting for us in France. Which lucky for us means that travelling will never drop to the lowest end of our priority list. Regular trips to Europe are not frivolous, but imperative. Just like returning to Vancouver every year was for me as a little girl.

So, as I navigate this new chapter of my life, and I feel all sorts of restlessness and unease, I’m reminded of these quotes that bring me peace and strength. Sometimes anxiety can get the better of me, but there are a few things that always frees me of its grips: writing, reading, and being out in nature.

‘So please ask yourself: What would I do if I weren’t afraid? And then go do it.’
— Sheryl Sandberg

I love this quote because I realise that taking this new step of moving to a new country (even if it’s my country) is HUGE and sometimes I wonder if staying in Australia would have been better. But then I remember that if I listened to the voice of fear, I’d never have done anything. I’ve always thought about moving to Vancouver. It’s been on my to-do list since forever. I’m proud of me, and my husband, for taking this leap. It’s better to try and to know, then to never try and always wonder.

“Don’t be afraid to start over again. This time you’re not starting from scratch, you’re starting from experience.”
— unknown

This has been immensely helpful as I have worked so hard to build a business in art therapy and managed to create some momentum in Sydney. Just in time for me to leave. It’s been disheartening and upsetting. All that work for what? But I know that I’m not starting over, I’m starting from experience. I can do this. It will take time, but I will get there.

“Change is hardest at the beginning, messiest in the middle and best at the end.”
— Robin S. Sharma

Right now we’re at the messy, hard part. Things will change again, as they always do. The way things are right now, all this unease and wondering, it won’t always be this way.

“When you start to walk on the way, the way appears”
— Rumi

I don’t know how my life here is going to look. I don’t know where my kids will go to school or daycare, I don’t know how my career, or what kind of career I will have will be. I don’t know how things will pan out. But I don’t have to. I can just focus on here and now, allowing the path to unfold as the days appear. This feels like danger to my overthinking mind, but I know nothing is more important than sitting with what is here. Trusting that the pieces will find their way.

Life will be hard, but that’s not all that it will be.
— Anon

A reminder that things that co-exist. It’s never black or white. Life can be awful at times, but in that very same breath is can be strikingly beautiful.